EP021 // Where's my Mom Handbook? // Things that Shaped the Way I Parent

Hello! and Welcome back to Season 2 of Peace by Pieces! 

I don't know about you, but I did not receive a mom handbook... 
Conscious parenting, attachment parenting, secure attachments, gentle parenting  - and all the things....  I didn't even know what that meant. I had never heard those terms before - when my daughter was born. 

As we approach Rosie's 7th birthday, I reflect on how much my views on motherhood, parenting, children, and childhood has shifted and formed to what it is now. 

I go into pieces that have shaped the way I parent.

Enjoy! 

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Transcript

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Hello and welcome back to Peace by pieces the podcast unpacking The Human Experience season 2. We're focusing on Mom and motherhood and being a mom and raising kids and being that person for our kids and as I've been you know, really shuffling through some stuff in the past while the other day. I was I was really reflecting on like things that influenced the way that I parent because I did not set out to be a gentle parent or a conscious parent or responsive parent or respective parent or attachment parenting or any of those things. Like I didn't know that then stuff existed when I became a mom. I didn't know I was I was just I was ignorant to it. All I was not educated. I had no idea. Actually had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea what I was going to be. I had no idea and I remember even I remember like, um, when I was pregnant because my my husband at the time Rosie's father she is his sixth child, I believe so like he done this before obviously and I remember I remember telling him like Hey, I don't know what I'm doing. So I'm gonna need you and and really that was um, you know, that was like a bit for connection with him, of course to like you know, I wanted like to be to be closer to to develop our relationship a bit more and to get him like we things felt distant then for me, so that was a you know an open door to that anyway we obviously got divorced so I'm not gonna dwell too much on that but it did get me thinking about like how How it would you know, literally when Rosie was born like I I did not. I didn't I didn't you know really passed her but I prepared so much for her birth that like Beyond her birth. I hadn't I hadn't I mean I didn't even have I didn't even have clothes I could breastfeed in. Like when I the day that we needed to take her to the doctor like the first doctor's appointment after she was born. I was like, I don't know what to wear. Like I don't what do I wear Nothing fits? I don't have anything that I can like breastfeed in anyway, so, you know I started with like Below Baseline. I feel like even because I didn't have younger siblings. I didn't grow up around kids. Like I never really babysat. I never so like I didn't have and I I didn't have any that experience and I spent the first chunk of my adult life like actively not wanting children. Not wanting children not wanting to be a mom. Like I remember when some kids moved in next door when I was in my 20s and I lived in California like I remember being like children So I figured a bunch of shit. No, basically, so anyway, but I was thinking about like what what things came into my life that did influence. How did I get here? Basically? How did I get to this place of being the type of parent that I am of being this conscious parent this responsive parent that's like non-reactive parent, you know, like being stable and and not triggered and just you know seeking connection over correction and in being in tune and and securely attached like I didn't I didn't know what that meant. when she born and all these there like how did I get to this place? Where when I have a gathering of friends for my birthday? And my daughter is there. and I'm just doing what I do with her. And then the day after I get multiple messages from different friends and they all comment on just how wonderful it is for them to observe me and my daughter how wonderful it is for them to observe our relationship and see the special connection that we have for them to look at us and be like, I mean even be like man like little little me. Healed a bit today by watching YouTube together interacting and I've heard that from my clients before because you know, I I do my business from home and I also homeschool so she's always around and you know, when we were on calls when I'm on calls with clients, like she's she comes in sometimes and like they you know, at first, you know, like we're taught like, oh I'm working kids need to stay away. Like that's what we're taught right, but like every time That I would you know in the beginning I'd be like, I'm sorry, you know, I'm sorry she came in and they were like no no like that was amazing, please like why don't like what why don't we include her it's like the stuff. So anyway, so Gosh, okay five minutes in but I'm gonna get into this. So like I was thinking about things that influence the way apparently how did I get here? And I have a list and I have this written. So let's see if I can keep myself under like the first one. Is is hypnobabies and the Dr. So it's this belief it was this it was this things that happened in my life. So I was in I was in the Peace Corps. I served in the United States Peace Corps in the Dominican Republic for two and a half years from 2012 to 2014. And that's where I met Rosie's dad. and things are just Different there in in terms of The Human Experience again, like looking at it like that, of course things are different. It's a different country different culture different lifestyle Etc. But like The Human Experience is just it seems for lack of better words, like just more natural. less structured less fake less oh, um less striving to be something that it's not I guess like just more real and natural and like this is life type of thing like taking life more On Life's terms instead of like Putting lipstick on a pig type of thing and I use the program Hypno babies to prepare for birth, which was it is it is a hypnosis program to prepare your mind and your body for for the birthing process for pain free delivery and and things like that. So like through that program like I It reconnected me to to my body and like this and it developed this trust in my body because like we women are literally like our bodies Our literally created and designed and engineered for the birth of babies. But yet the like the birth complex the birthing complex. The medical complex will have us thinking that like, we need all this assistance and we need to check all these things and we need to do all of these things and make sure everything's going okay and then we need to Monitor and then you need to lay in bed and we need to hook you up to all these things and then we need to tell you when to push and all the stuff and it's like, oh no you can do all that sure, you know go ahead. Um, but there's another way, you know, like women have been birthing babies for Thousands millions of years. So there was this. This reconnection to that there's there are things that are very instinctually happening relearning to trust my body my intuition my heart. That what I know to be the right choice in actions for us. are For me and for her and the flow with nature. And in in those things the way of the heart instead of like these external worldly expectations. And you know, I've done that according to my heart and for me. A unique individual and for Rosie who was also a unique individual so like my choices. Don't have to be your choices. They shouldn't even be your choices. Maybe they'll be some overlaps, right but like you are you and your child is your child? And then that's probably going to lead to some out of the box choices and that is where the magic is. And those choices are gonna flare up some outside and internal Gremlins. They're gonna flare up your mother-in-law your sister your neighbor. Whomever that person is or people are for you. And when you start trusting yourself and your mom instincts and following through on those, you're gonna be going against some grains, right? You're gonna be going against some greens. And is your nervous system ready for that? Do you have healthy coping skills to navigate those moments of feeling unseen and unheard and misunderstood and being told that you're wrong or maybe not even being told you're wrong but like feeling it right like we can feel it when someone doesn't believe it's like they don't even have to say it but like their eyes talk they're but their body language talks like either Just Energy talks. The ones that are telling you that you're messing it all up that you're making a mistake that you're not doing it, right. Do you have the confidence and the courage to go against the grain? on those things that you know Are right for you and your kid? Is your subconscious mind that runs 90 to 95% of your thoughts actions behaviors are the is that is that on the same team as your heart? Hmm, right or is there internal conflict around these things? Right and you know what? It's not just the out-of-box choices or the Against the Grain choices. It's any choices. Because any choice that you make there are going to be people around you are on the interwebs that don't agree. Right, like if you are, you know picture like if you're in if you're in a neighborhood, like if you live on a cul-de-sac if you live on a cul-dec and there's four houses there and you all have kids. They're the same age and you're all sending your kids to preschool and you want to send your kid to preschool then like you're going with the green but if one of you is like no no, no, I'm not gonna do it then all of a sudden like you're going against the grain but also conversely if you're in the same a different cul-dec where everyone's homeschooling but you're like no I'm gonna put my kid in preschool like they're all like, oh really, you're gonna do that right like so I'm just that outside stuff depends on who you're surrounded by so even more like do what's best for you, but you're still you're gonna feel that pressure from outside, but that pressure like you can't control them, but you can you can control you you can address you. What's this mean for you? What's happening inside of you? Can your nervous system and your subconscious mind support you support you support you through these things and help you navigate that. Is the love in your heart guiding your thoughts and words and actions and behaviors or is it fear and worry and guilt and shame and spite. You know this does this isn't so much true anymore for me. But you know not so long ago like the the best way to like motivate me to do anything is to tell me I can't do it or that I shouldn't do it or that I'm making a mistake and it was like F you I'm gonna show you you don't think I can do this. I'm gonna prove much in that camp anymore because I get to make my choices. To make my choices no matter what so, um, you know, what is motivating? Is it the love in your heart or is it proving someone wrong? Is it punishment for you or for your kids or for them like Are you doing things to like? You get what I'm saying? And the loving power and authority over my role as her mom like no one else birth her into the world. That was me. This is my role. I don't know her. She is her own Sovereign being she does not belong to me. She is not one of my possessions. I have been given the role of mother to her in these years as she grows. And I have been given stewardship over her over her. And her unique and individual human being her own temperament with her own wants and needs and her own gifts and abilities and her own interests. I am a steward to her and to all of those things. She is not here to make my life easier. I am here to assist in guidance support her during these developmental years. The first one and I'd love to hear any feedback that you have anything that this stirred up in you or inspired in you or maybe you disagree with me. I even want to hear that. The second thing that has influenced how I parent like how I got here. Is my experience with rtt, and coaching with rapid transformational therapy? So part of the rtt process is childhood regressions. It's it's guiding a client back to the moments in time of their childhood that are directly connected with the issue that is presenting in their adult life today. Because the body keeps score and the subconscious mind remembers everything and it's all connected. Cigarette smokers are not born. They're made addicts of any kind whether it's shopping or food or sugar or heroin. They're not born. They're made. Babies are not anxious and depressed they're made and it's just like they become that right. They're not that when they born it all came from somewhere an experience you had when you were smaller younger lighter shorter that left an imprint a belief when you were growing and developing and learning about yourself and the world and your place in the world. My experience with rtt. Seeing hearing guiding being led through moments of my own childhood and with my clients. That it's often. It's not linked. It's often not it is sometimes of course, but it's often not linked to the bid big bad traumatic events that everyone thinks or worries that that might be in, you know buried in their subconscious. It's everyday things. It's the common place things. It's the commonplace moments. It's the words. It's the patterns. It's the culture of the family that leave these imprints. It's the harsh words spoken by an adult at the dinner table when they just there's tired. They've had a long day and they don't have the patience left anymore. Right? It's not giving importance to the things that are important to the child. It's getting angry and blaming and shaming the child for completely age appropriate behaviors. Messes breaking something crying needing attention spilling something getting their clothes dirty drawing on the walls dumping their food onto the floor not wanting to be strapped into a car seat getting upset about something anything the absence of love and attention, which is not the same as absence of care. Keeping someone alive is not the same as nurturing and loving them. And there's so much more. that it's those things that leave the imprint of They don't care therefore. I'm not worthy of being cared for. They Don't Love Me therefore, I'm not that must mean that I'm not lovable You know that like these people are parents that are like our Lifeline when we're when we're children. We depend on them. right and if they if I'm doing something if something like if my emotions are too big for them. Then there must be something wrong with me like those. These are the type of things that happen that I've seen in my own in my own experience and working with my clients and in my training and all of these things right that it's that it's those things. far more often than you know physical abuse or sexual abuse or you know, any of those things those things are there. Yes. But it's more often these other things. And that even when it is a big traumatic event a fire a house broken into a car accident and illness death abuse mistreatment. It's not what happened. It's what did or didn't happen next? Was there an adult that cared about what the child had experienced? An adult that asked and listened an adult that comforted and assisted an adult that co-regulated and helped process through and guided the child back to a sense of safety. Did that happen was that there? On the other side of whatever happened. Or did the opposite happen was the child dismissed was the child's experience dismissed not believed was it treated as not important was the child left alone to make sense of it? Which will be the belief that I don't matter that what I want doesn't matter my feelings don't matter my beliefs don't you know like these things the those that's what's left, right? That's what we're left with. That's the imprint that happens when those things. Happen and don't happen the beliefs that stick until we're older taller versions of that child that choose to look for answers to the questions that they've asked themselves their whole lives. right so through these experience of of mine and Knowing knowing where and how these beliefs and thoughts and imprints and traumas come from and can come from right because inside of each of us is this entire universe of human experience. That is one thousand percent unique. You know, it's not like they're they're yes. There are some similarities. There are some perhaps overlaps. There are some like we could put them into categories we could make pie charts but like the individual experience of of the people and the space and the environment involved and the things the emotions the feelings the the connections the mental thoughts all those things that happened in the child during these moments like that is completely unique like a snowflake. like a snowflake and each inside each of us. There is like infinite numbers of this and it's a it's wildly amazing to me and fascinating each person that I get the opportunity to do an rtt session with it's just this like going down the the golden brick road. Yellow Brick is a yellow brick. Anyway, it's like going on this. huge Adventure It's amazing. So. Knowing what I know about where these beliefs and thoughts and imprints and traumas can come from I'm that's definitely shaped how my parent I'm a more observant and less assumptive. I let her choose when I can. I give my reasons for my own choices when she seeks to understand I enter her world seeking to understand and know. I suspend my initial judgments of things and I get curious instead and I'm not a hundred percent perfect in this of course, like like I said, we are not I am not but I catch myself and then I can correct and like yeah, I respect her wishes her nose and her yeses and her I don't want to lose. I respect those which is not easy, especially when you're surrounded by. Maybe your parents or your family or your neighbors or other moms? Because you know those eyes are judging. Right. It's not easy. It's simple. Oh respect her nose. Yes, and I don't want to sure I can do that. Right, but practicing it doing it is a whole different level and you're gonna encounter so much stuff that you didn't know was there. I also gently guide when my mom an instinct tells me to. You know, like I've heard nose and yeses, or I don't want to. Like if if I if and again I let my mama Instinct like if I know like honey, you know, I need to push her a little bit here. Or like whatever it may be. I don't have an example. because also as I entered the coaching world years ago, um and getting intimately familiar like getting getting to know these other women that were also new to business and to coaching and to Motherhood or divorce hearing and seeing and reading their inner dialogues of these women. They're deep fears the ways that that they were limiting their own potential and the ways that they stayed small and safe the ways that they were afraid to be truly seen the ways that they doubted themselves and talk to themselves out of their own wants and needs and quieted their own voice the way that they Place their own self-worth and the hands of others the way that they stayed in a familiar hell and the lies that they believed knowing that they were not like me knowing that they were not born with any of that knowing that they learned all that at some point in time from there lived experience and knowing that I wanted the opposite of all that for my daughter as much as I possibly could. I want her to know that her voice is her superpower that she has a purpose that she has special and unique abilities that she is important and valuable and worthy right now. right now sitting on the couch out there probably playing Minecraft and watching a YouTube video like she is valuable important and Worthy. She doesn't have to do anything or be anything or achieve anything or perform to be valuable and important and worthy. She is capable and confident. That her wants and needs are valued and important that the things that she is interested in are perfect for her. They don't it doesn't have to make sense to me and it doesn't have to be the things that I want her to be interested in because believe me there is there is a mismatch here. I want her to know that she is loved and seen and known and understood that she is wanted and cherished and nourished and nurtured that she is respected and respectful that her feelings are valid and and anything is possible for her in so much more. so intimately knowing and hearing all of this stuff from these from these grown adult women all of these doubts and fears and worries and self-sabotaging and getting in their own way and all of the stuff that was just holding them back and keeping them small and safe knowing that they were not born with that and that it came from somewhere paired with my experience and training with rtt. And knowing that that's all tied back to Childhood and the different the vast like billions and trillions of possibilities that could lie there of of where those things came from and knowing that I was just going to do my best to be here in each moment as to the best of my ability which varies from moment to moment and day to day with my daughter. to just do the best that I can. Knowing what I know. Now I know some people that are in my position because I've talked to them too that they they almost enter into this like complete anxiety around like oh my God, I know all the things that can go wrong and all the things that even from like being like no you can't have chicken nuggets today. You need to eat fruit, but then an imprint can come from that that can turn into like some big, you know, internal mental monster that they're dealing with when they're 30, you know that like they get wrapped up in this anxiety around that and like that has not happened to me. because I also know that like shit's gonna happen. That there is no perfect and there's luck. There's plenty of things about our life, you know, like I'm a single mom. So like I am her Lifeline so she already carries a certain anxiety around like me being with me not losing me like just yesterday. She woke up having having had a nightmare soon as she woke up in the morning and and she had a dream that I was in jail. And then I told her that I was gonna die soon. Can you imagine The anxiety that that would infer that that would give a child that that is not like viable of living on their own right like that doesn't really happen until like eight or nine years old and you know, obviously not an ideal situation there but like they could get by right she's not there yet. And I I am I am I am her one and only right now, right? So like I know that there's anxiety around that, you know, I know that there's gonna be some stuff around her dad not being around. Even though like I mean, we just had a video call with him yesterday too. So like there is contact there. But like it's not the same right? So like I know I know there's gonna be stuff. that is just there right but in in all the other ways and do the best I can and when I mess up to address it and try to set it right and to keep my assumptions and my own stuff kind of like shuffled over to the side and be present with her, right? And that leads me into number three, which I hadn't even looked at because I went off on a tangent. But number three is wholeheartedly accepting my role as her most important influencer. That if I want her to grow up to be bravely confidently her living her heart's desire knowing how to navigate challenging situations and all of those things that I must first model that for her. I am her most important influencer. I am her most important teacher not just ABCs and math but in this Human Experience that is so vast and full of nuance and intricacies and it's beautiful like the most beautiful Crystal that you've ever seen shining and throwing rainbows all over the room and each facets slightly different and Wow, right. And I must model this for her that I choose to model this for her and I continue to choose that. Because she's watching me and Mama they're watching you. They're watching you. She watched as I healed through divorce and continued to heal through my mom's death. That she is on a ride with me as I navigate this motherhood. Like I said, I didn't start off with a whole bucket full of skills. Right? Like I did not have all this stuff and everything that comes to the surface when you start making against the Green choices not just in motherhood, but in life man, like the past few years of my life. Well, you know, it really goes back a long ways. My mom always said that I marched to the Beat of My Own Drum, but any who that's another story for other days. In this wholehearted accepting of my role. As her most important influencer, I focused on uncovering me. from all the Learned BS and not just uncovering and discovering and getting to know me the true me like the me behind all the masks and stuff. Right all the Learned personalities and all the roles that I've played for other people the me that's behind the decisions and the actions made for others the me behind the people pleasing and the performing in the placing my inherent value my inherent value and the hands of others or in my abilities or my skills my expertise or what I have to offer my appearance or my weight my hair color whether I'm wearing glasses or not, right like I deconstructed a lot of stuff. That I had learned along the way. The words that I used when speaking about myself and my body and my work and my abilities the words that I use when I speak about others. Openly sharing that it's okay to feel sad and angry and disappointed. I'm walking through that. And if I want to instill the importance of her taking care of herself. That I must take care of me. And model it. and if I want to live if I want to live if I want her to live her dreams that I must also live my dreams. If I want her to believe in her abilities, I must believe in my abilities. If I want her to walk away from things that are not for her and her highest good I must walk away from things that are not for me. If I want her to make her own flavor of Against the Grain out of the box choices and decisions. I must also do that. And this means getting really curious about myself and my prop and my patterns. My thoughts and my behaviors and my beliefs my blocks my worries my fears. This means getting my mind, right? retraining my mind creating new chosen chosen neural pathways instead of those that were gifted to me earlier in life. This means regulating my nervous system so that I don't react to things that are not actually threats. Like disapproving looks from the woman at the grocery or sarcastic jokes from family or Rosie drawing a heart on a new shirt because she loves it with a sharpie. This means retraining my mind and nervous system out of constant fight flight or Fawn mode. This means learning new stress management techniques. This means setting my vision my values what is important to me? Choosing those things deciding upon those things not just going out of default. Not just rolling down the path that's been laid for me. right and then living in alignment with those choices and those decisions living thinking acting choosing behaving in alignment with those values confidently, even when they're different from other people, even when others don't understand even when others disagree, even when others tell me that I'm wrong. This is the path to freedom from guilt. freedom from shame freedom from stress and pressure You might be hearing this and thinking wow. Yeah, I want to be guilt free in this motherhood Journey. But how do I do that? Yeah, I want to trust myself sure, of course gosh, man. What if I trusted myself? Mmm, what have you really trusted yourself? What if you really trusted yourself? hmm Yes, I want to hold tight to the path that gives life. Maybe you're saying that to yourself right now. Like you have this little life in your hands. Your hands mama. What are you doing? Are you holding tap holding tight to the path that gives that little life life. Hmm. Are you placing a bunch of rocks in her backpack that aren't hers to carry? or his I've created a program. Called the joyous mom accelerator. This program includes four modules of motherhood and life shifting trainings. Exercises and most importantly quick easy powerful transformative brain training tools that get your mind on the same team as your heart. To regulate your nervous system to replace guilt and shame and stress with joy peace patience. Love as a mom and a bonus. This will all Ripple into other aspects of your life as well. mmm Man, if I had had a program like this. There's a chance that I wouldn't have even gotten divorced. I would have a lot of the the things that that I was feeling guilty about the other day. That was Gremlin and up in the middle of the night which hardly ever happened. That those things wouldn't have happened that there's there are some things that were still working to repair and some things in her that I don't know where they came from yet. But I'm here. You know. And and that's all okay, you know, maybe you're listening to this and your your kids are already past seven years. So you're like well crap. I messed everything up and now it's hopeless. It's not hopeless man. It's not it's not it's not there's always I mean think about think about me think about us adults like thought they did they were doing their best. They were doing their best with what they had where they were. And and there were wounds that happened because of that right and that's okay and I I'm working through it happened working through it for years. I've seen I've healed so much. I mean I could tell you stories about how different I respond to things now than I did. Even just a couple of years ago. It's it's crazy. It's miraculous. It's wow. Anywho, so I've got this mom. I've got this mom. I've got this program, but joyous mom accelerator. I invite you to apply for a DM conversation with me. The this application is just a questionnaire. It's just a questionnaire to like let me know some information let you know to connect with me and that's free. You know, that's free of charge and it's not just the Joyce mom accelerator. That is my kind of Flagship program in this but there are different pieces of this and there's all different levels of investment and there's all different levels of the power of transformation that is here for you. So I know that there's something that will work out for you. So go ahead and click the link below and apply for a DM conversation with me and let's just chat and see what could work and if if we're even a good fit if I can even help you or if you're even in on this or whatever and because I know that there's something that will work out and and because this mother had Journey we're not meant to do it alone. We're not meant to do it alone and we're and and it's it's not easy when even if we're not alone and we are surrounded by people, but they're doing it like we want to do it a little different like that's almost harder right? It's almost harder because then you're like Well, what are they gonna think and they're doing it this way and I really want to do it together. Really? Oh and all this like all the multiple Pathways that that can all take any who this episode is long enough, and I love you, and I would love to hear from you guys apply for the DM conversation. And we'll go from there. I would love to hear your feedback on this and if you can, you know, go ahead and give a five star rating or whatever Stars. You think of course, they don't have any five stars on Google. Tell your friends, you know. but yeah, and listen in for for the next episodes. I love you you're doing amazing. We got this and we can do this together.