EP023 // Shame Storm // Part 1

Whew momma!  I had a rare sleep deprived night where my mind was shuffling through all the things that I've done wrong in my mom journey. 

This does NOT happen to me often.  I've done so much personal work on myself that this is simply something that I (gratefully) do not experience much. 

AND - When it does.... I have the willingness and the tools to navigate it to extract the wisdom of the messenger feeling of shame, to let it go, and emerge clean on the other side. 

This is the first of a three part series : The Shame Storm

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Momma, you have the capacity to do this too. 
If you want to restore your humanity and become your own best friend.
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Transcript

0:00

Hello. Hello and welcome back to piece by pieces. I'm your host Ashley Hite. I'm so happy that you're here. Oh. Today, we're gonna talk about something that a lot of us don't like talking about or don't like feeling we don't like acknowledging that it's there. hmm We're gonna talk about shame. We're gonna talk about shame and I'm gonna share some. I'm gonna share some stuff some personal things my some things that came up just a couple of days ago. You know as a mom. We encounter. You know, we we have this this just inner drive to like we want to be, you know, we want to give our kids. A better life. We want to we want to be there for them. We want to love them. We want to we want to like know that that we did and are doing like everything. Right and the best way possible and like all of those things, right? Come and we know that sometimes. we fall short of whatever that picture of perfection is and it's it's not really about like falling short, but it's just you know, like life happens. Like we're not perfect. We're human. This is The Human Experience, right? Like we are humans. No one gave us a mom manual. We have these children that are their own humans. They have their own things and yeah, so they're I don't know where you are in your motherhood Journey, but there are going to be cases things that I'm little things in big things that you're that you're probably going to feel a little bit or a lot bit um of guilt and shame around and things that you may not be able to do much about except for like you can't like change it I guess is what I'm trying to say because you can address the shame in the guilt. The whatever is coming up inside of you. so as you know, my daughter's almost seven. She may be by the time that these get released. I'm not sure today is March 5th, so Let me tell you story. Like I honestly I honestly do not feel these feelings often. I do not experience mom guilt on a daily basis, even or I mean shame is even kind of like heavier and deeper than guilt. I don't I don't I have done so much. Personal work on myself inner work reprogramming my mind getting my mind and my heart on the same team when it comes to me in my life, which of course includes my daughter these past seven years and and all aspects of my life. Really. So, um, I have I have worked through this and when these things do appear I have I know how to work through them. I I and I give myself that time in my space in the space to do it because that's the first thing you got to be willing. You got to be willing to sit down and move through it and sometimes you know that especially in the beginning it might be uncomfortable. It's going to be uncomfortable. In fact and you're and you're not gonna want to do it and if you have like, you know, if you find yourself with 20 free minutes, like sitting down a journal through some shame is probably at the pretty bottom of Just but I get it. I totally get it makes complete sense really but When we don't work through it, we just carry it around with this all the time and that like hearing it around all the time versus sitting down for 20 minutes to like process through it and get it out. if given that choice like You know all all of the time I will I will choose to sit down and and work through this and let it go so that I'm not walking around with like buckets and backpacks and suitcases full of Shame dragging that shiz around until I do sit down, right? Okay. So, you know, that's just that's where I am now, however, like last week was a really strange week for me. I had like a series of days where I had these like weird dreams these very intense dreams that field ominous like something was coming like it was trying to warn me about something. So I was like trying to make sense of that and then I sometimes have these occurrences. I'm not gonna go into it now, but I just call them warp warp whole days where I have these these just experiences that like throw me off track. and they're really wild but I think like all of that kind of set me up for and and then I started my my period And I found myself. Like at night there was one night. I was laying there and I was having trouble sleeping which I I never do I never do I never have that problem like that is one problem, you know 99 problems, but the go into sleeping one like I do not and that night I lay there like thinking about it started with this bike this bike that my daughter has and it kept rolling into one one thing to another. But I'm gonna start with this bike. I'm gonna tell the story of this bike. You know, I bought I bought her a bike. I bought her like her first bike when she turned four, so it's been three years now. It's a beautiful bike. It's teal and green and it's got a little basket. It's got streamers on the handlebars and it's got training wheels. And where we lived when she turned four. It wasn't there wasn't really anywhere that she could write it we had to gravel driveway. That was like kind of steep. There was no flat spots really we lived on like a major highway like a four-lane road. So it's not like we were in a neighborhood or anything like that, you know, and I just accepted that that is what it was. It was a little too big for her at that point too. And then shortly after that we started traveling in our camper van and our camper van like I could have I could have brought it with us. It would have been a hassle. But I could have yeah, but I chose not to. And and that's okay, right? but so if I had had it with us, you know, we were in campgrounds all the time, and we could have ridden that around and and stuff and you know, I guess in my mind then like my reasoning was like, oh I need a bike too because she's gonna be like zipping around and I'm not gonna be able to like run after her like I need a bike and it's like well Barbie it's not big enough for me to put an adult bike in there and I looked at bike racks and they were 700 bucks and I was like, I'm not gonna do so anyway like All that right and then we were at my sisters. And I had the bike in the garage and someone hit it, you know, no one claimed. No one no one fessed up if you will but I put it in there perfectly fine. And the next time we went to get it out the front wheel was all bent. hmm And then when that happened like I was hit when that happened, which was probably about a year and a half ago. At least I was hit with a major wave of like guilt and shame in that moment of like She never even got to ride it. She never even got to ride it. Really. I mean there was a couple of times when she did but I was like now it is it's damaged. It's bright like it doesn't even work anymore. I bought this for her on a birthday. Gosh. It's been two years now and like she's not even ridden it and there's like all this shame around like oh these were your choices actually. Oh, you're the one that chose to travel. You're the one that chose not to take the bike with you. Oh, you're the one that did this below like there was all like that kind of stuff right Gremlins yelling at me and I was like, you know, and I worked through it then but so all this was coming back up because we are in a place now where she could ride the bike but the tire is still better. The wheel is still bent. I have not fixed it yet. And then I start to think like is she too big for this bike, you know, and I'm feeling like all this sadness and the shame around this bike. I felt regret and anger around this bike. I feel like it's too late for this bike. Like should I just get her a bigger one? But like she hasn't learned to ride this one yet. Like do they even make training wheels for bigger bikes and so like all of this is like swirling around in my head. and And I'm trying to sleep like, you know, it's like that's what I'm trying to sleep. So I'm dealing I'm you know, I'm dealing with this all of this is swirling around in my head and I'm going through this. and and as I'm laying there feeling all this, I realize that like my nervous system is activated like I'm in fight or flight mode. I'm in fear. I'm in worry. I'm in shame. I'm in guilt. I'm an anger anger has a purpose. These things these feelings have a purpose. They're like an emergency siren. They're not. We're not meant to live in those things most of the time. We're meant to feel that that signal that siren and address it You know and usually by Nature it's meant to be like, oh we're being chased by something. You know, there are like natural things not not like, oh my my daughter's not gonna get to write her bike. Like that's not a life threatening situation, but our brain plays tricks on us and it lies to us and like there's these imprints that we've picked up through our whole life that like all of a sudden activate in our body this fight or flight live or die reflex that is meant for life or death situations not bicycles right We're meant to live in this rest and Digest. nervous system I'm laying there thinking about it and like it kind of rolls into the next thing which I'm gonna cover in the next I'm breaking this up so that hopefully their bite-sized things, although this is already 10 minutes. So here we go. So I eventually do get to sleep with a trick that I teach in my joyous mom accelerator. It's a way to get yourself to sleep no matter what and I wake up the next morning. And the first thing I do is I sit down to my computer and I write I start writing because I'm like that was wild that that was why. I need to get this out like that. What it what was it? What was all that about? Like, I do not feel this very often. I'm getting like I'm gonna get to the bottom of this. And it really you know, it just took like me sitting down and like writing all that stuff out like all the things that I just told you in and what it was linking to and how it was making me feel and realizing that it's not a life or death thing. Like, you know, there are like she'll learn to ride a bike. I can still get her a bike. She can she'll learn to ride a bike. And if she doesn't you know, what there are there are millions of people in this world that don't know how to write a bike and they live perfectly fine normal that feels you know, like we we build these things up in our brain and our mind and our in our perception that like that they have to be this way. From things as common and quote normal as as learning to ride a bike, which most kids here in the US do but not that not all of them do not all families have the money to get a bike not all kids have a place to be able to write it a safe place safe space to be able to write it like it doesn't happen for everybody and they're fine and they're fine. So like just relax Ashley relax, right? So then as I Like I Do I Do relax out of that and then I'm like, let me look. Let me take a look because Because I haven't even gotten heard bike out in a while like it's buried in the garage. Let me get it out today. Let me take a look at it. Like let me Google again. Like let me look up 16 inch wheels for a bike to see how much they cost. Let me see what the what the age or the height range is for the type of bike lane. Like what should she be writing now? Let me see if the next size up if they make training wheels for it. Like let me look into these things. And of course they do I can get a wheel for it. She's still within the height range. She's at the top of it, but I think it'll be okay or I can get her a new bike and those the next size up they have training wheels, too. Are you can get them, you know, they don't automatically come with them, but you can get them so all of a sudden I'm like Oh, what was all that about anyway? Once you get to the bottom of it and that's that's honestly Mama that is what is on the other side of taking this honest look at it. You know, it's like when you think that there's a giant monster under the bed and you and you finally work up the courage to like get down there and shine a light and it's a stuffed animal or You know it things that we make into giant monsters that when we turn around and look at them. It's a little mouse. Or it's not even alive or whatever right? Like once we actually do it. We're like oh I had myself all worked up for nothing and it's not for nothing because you got here you got through that you worked through it. You're building resilience You're Building skills, you know that you can do it, you know that there's light on the other side of this tunnel and all of those things. That's why we do this to build up that those skills of being able to get through it that builds up our beliefs so that the next time that we are hit with that type of feeling we're like I've done this before I'm just gonna go sit down and work through it and I'm in and then I'll be fine and you know that and you know it And you know it. And I'm able to do this because I restored my Humanity for myself and for my daughter. I discharged and released and let go of all that built up over years of stress and guilt and sadness and anger and shame. That wasn't even mine. I had absorbed it from people around me from society from movies from what I had been told from what people other people do from what I've been told I needed to do and what she needed to have. It's not even mine. I released all that I restored my rest. I restored my best. Constructed self-awareness around my body my mind and my thoughts so that when a wave comes I'm not washed away. And I'm not washed away in it, but I can experience it examine it extract the wisdom from it. Take action that's needed. And let it pass allowing my nervous system to return to rest and digest instead of staying in that fight or flight forever. Restoring my Humanity has also restored her Humanity for me. I remembered what it was like to be a child. I became my own best friend always looking for growth and Improvement and moving through challenges with love and patience and curiosity seeking the lesson the wisdom the aha moment that makes everything makes sense. The clarity seeing clarity now because the rain is gone. With my feet on Solid Ground for me and for her so that our relationship is solid. Our attachment is secure so that her mental and emotional state is healthy and whole and beneficial in life-giving. It has been my goal and my focus and my dream for her since before I even knew the bricks in the foundation to break these cycles of punishment and blame and shame and guilt so that she knows without a doubt always and forever that she is good and loved and worthy and lovable and Perfectly Imperfect with purpose and gifts and giving so that she can confidently walk her path. The one meant for her the one chosen by her and to not chase after people and things seeking to fill the holes in her foundation. So that she knows that she's safe with me in all of the ways not just physically safe man kids need so much more than just physically safe environments. So that throughout her life, she knows that she can come to me with literally anything that she will receive love acceptance and guidance if that's what she thinks. that she'll call and visit because she wants to and then if she's wrapped up in a passion and doesn't that I won't take it personally by guilting her. That I'll always have her best and truest intentions in my heart that I am her biggest cheerleader her biggest supporter her biggest Enthusiast and that I believe in her. And that if she ever doubts herself, she knows that she can rely on my belief. Not gonna lie. I've got I've got some tears in five. Oh, so I've got two more examples of this ladies. They will be shorter because I won't be going into all the other pieces that kind of set up the story but oh, hang around for shame Storm part 2 and part 3 and if you are interested in restoring your Humanity. To therefore it restore the humanity of your children. In all people really we focus here right now on moms and kids but it works for everybody. Becoming your own best friend. Attending to your nervous system. learning how to regulate your nervous system and your emotions how to how to do all those things. Filling the holes in your own Foundation. So that you are leading and guiding from a solid whole foundation for them. Which in turn releases? And provides a way out of guilt and shame and blame and worry and doubts and just all of that stuff. You can spend more time in love. enjoy in peace and impatience and in all and enthusiasm and excitement and just all that good stuff, man. If you're curious about a path to that, I have got one. I have my joyous mom accelerator. It's an amazing program. Not just that. You can apply with the link below to have just a DM conversation with me up. It's free to apply just answer some questions so that we can see if we're you know if we can help each other out here. and that we go from there. I have my Joyce mom accelerator and I have it broken up in other ways. from A small investment economically to a larger investment if that's what you have. So there is something that works out for everybody. But just, you know fill out the application below if this has sparked something in you and let's have a talk about it like zero pressure, you know, like like I've said my my desires and wants for her like I want that for you. If something's not right for you, I'm gonna let you all go away from it without guilting and shaping. This is a this is a safe environment because that is what I focus on creating for myself for my daughter and for everybody so hit the link below. Answer a couple of questions and we will have a chatty chat and see what we can do. to get you back in love with your motherhood Journey and your kids too because your mother had journey is their childhood and it can all be wonderful And I love you. And I'll see you next time.