EP027 // Unpacking the "You Chose This" Part of Motherhood

Hello! and Welcome back to Season 2 of Peace by Pieces - Motherhood Edition

This was inspired in response to a reel by Libby Ward - The Diary of an Honest Mom reflecting on the often spoken but rarely unpacked "You Chose This" response to the struggles and challenges of motherhood.

What are the roots of this?
When did we disconnect from community?
How do we have a society of "not my problem..."
What are you modeling for your children?

There are these threads that weave through society, our childhoods, our parents childhoods, our kids childhoods, the past and into the future.  And right now, momma, we have the opportunity to look at these things - that don't feel good or right or just or loving - and look deeper and wield our power to influence the world we're wishing to create. 

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Transcript

0:00

Hello. Hello Mama's hi. Welcome to Peace by pieces. I'm actually hello. Hello. I'm Ashley. Today's episode there is called you chose this and it's not as well like thought out as my other one. So there might be some rambling here. But you know, sometimes when I get rambling like some real magic stuff comes out, so I'm just gonna roll with it. This was inspired by Me feeling bad about some stuff a couple of days ago paired with seeing a real from Libby Ward. You may know her as the Diary of an honest mom on Instagram and tiktok and she her real was. Touching on the the thing about you know, when when moms try to talk about how how hard it is sometimes and the things that they're struggling with and how so often we are. Responded to with the well, you chose this you chose to have kids you tell you what you were getting into. right and just how like I don't remember where the rest of her real went to but just how not helpful that it's like it's not it's not helpful, but it's also indicative and representative of some stuff that's that goes much deeper in our society and in our social programming in conditioning from our childhood which came from our parents childhood and just these these things. These are Ripple effects through the generations. Now, what am I talking about? So the huge chose this it's a version of not my problem. right the version of why why do I like what do you need for me? What what do you expect from me? You chose this what I can't do anything about it. What do you want me to take them? Maybe you're just not fit to be a month, you know, like stuff like that. Like that's that's not helpful and it's also I think a sign of immaturity. and not being Emotionally intelligent not being you know nervous systems not regulated because you know a lot of times when moms are bringing that information like they're not necessarily looking. For help or we're not looking for the other person to likely do anything, but we just want to be heard and we want to be validated and we want to be like, yeah, you know, this is hard. You know, we want it. We want to like yeah, tell me like, what do you what do you what's been happening for you? You know get it off your chest like let it out because we you know a lot of times unfortunately when we do start to open up about stuff like that. um the person that we're opening up to they run they run in one way or another, you know, metaphorically or whatever or they they push us off or they they shame us with the you chose this and and then that just like further teaches us to like keep it in right but I think I think we all know now that like pending up our emotions and shoving them under the rug and shoving them into the closet and pushing them down that that does know good. It does nothing good. It'll actually make you sick. Like physically sick. So this actually happened to me there was an example of a couple of years ago. I was sick, and I needed to go to the I needed to go to like the Urgent Care Center, but it was still in the middle of covid and everything. And you know, I just didn't I didn't want to take my daughter if I didn't have to so I was gonna drop her off at my sister's house. And her then husband. Was you know, she was like Ashley's gonna bring Rosie over so that she can go to the doctor. And he was like what? Why does why do why do we he has he has anxiety? So he was like why why do why do we like? Why is she coming here? Why is she coming here? You know because it was gonna change his plans which which gives him great anxiety which I understand. You know, I get it like I know where he's coming from too and but my sister was like Well, she needs to go to the doctor and she needs someone around Tracy. So I'm here for her. You know, she doesn't have another person that she can drop off with and I had just been at my dad's for a couple of days too. This was a couple years ago. Like I said, you know, so my sister's like alluding to the fact that like, hey, she's a single mom like the child's dad is not here. Her siblings are not here like there. There is nobody else to drop the kid off with and his response was well, she chose this To my sister looked at him like what do you mean? What do you even saying? Like what difference does that make? What do you mean like because she's divorced and and as a single mom that she chose this which means that she has to like You know that we can't help her. It's not our place to help her the to help watch her child so that she can go take care of herself, you know, so. I've gotten this too. I think I think we all do um you know, like I said a minute ago that this like we get responded with like what do you what do you want me to do about it? Why do I have to do something about it? But let me ask you something Mama. in your house or when you're watching other families, I see this a lot. I see this a lot where it's like. Why didn't make the mess? Why do I have to pick it up or you made the mess you pick it up? Right you did you did this. So you're the one that's gonna clean it up. I didn't I didn't dump this box of blocks out on the floor. That wasn't me that was you so you clean it up. Right and there is this like yes, we we want to teach our children. to clean up after themselves, but that you know, there's an like a delevant developmentally appropriate age for that to be appropriate, you know to be able to be like, hey clean up your room and like Expect them to actually do it, right but I would say that that's much. Later much older than any of us want to admit. and They also like you know, what what I have, you know, this is me. This is my choice. You make the best decisions for you. I don't know your children. I am not their mom you are. End of the story right? What I've chosen to do. Is that like I want her to know that that I'm here. to help her and and yeah, sometimes that means that I clean it up on myself and sometimes most of the time we do it together and there have been you know, there's there's growing number of times now where she can she'll clean up something on her own. Sometimes she she'll like clean stuff without me even asking that does that does happen and she's just almost seven right? So there's this Duality or maybe even I don't know what the triple or quadruple version of Duality just different facets of like Like what's the you know, what's the story here? with this you chose this like when did we disconnect from the concept of community in like leaning on one another and helping each other out because that that knowledge that that pattern of behavior that starts in childhood. We are modeled that and if we grow up being modeled, nope, you made that mess you pick it up. Then we are going to grow up believing that we are each responsible completely 100% for our own messes. Right and furthermore. We're probably going to get like shamed and blamed for having made a mess in the first place. So that makes us want to hide any messes that we further make in that, you know, this goes far beyond Legos and clothes all over the floor. You know what happens when? When that child grows up to be, you know 20. and they got some bad grades at college, or maybe they got laid off or maybe they can't pay their bills, or maybe there's A surprise pregnancy or maybe you know any any number of the things that like we could call a quote Miss right? And do we want our kids to not bring those to us for us to help them I want mine too. I'm I want her to know that I am always here for her and we say things like that. You know, I think that most parents would say things like that. But are we actually modeling that for them? And then you know, like I said, there's multiple facets to this because it's like there's also this. epidemic of like saying no, you know that it's that it's okay to say no that we can't help everybody with everything like boundaries, right? and not letting you know energy vampires like suck us dry and things like that, you know in that that is Definitely a thing. Taking care of oneself so that they can be there for the people that they can be there for and the people that they need to be. There for you know your oxygen mask on first type of thing. And and yes, I do believe that and and we have this epidemic of people that don't and won't ask for help when they need it. That they put this mask on of like I'm okay. I'm okay. You know, I'm not gonna burn in anybody else with my problems. I'm not gonna tell anybody about them because I'm embarrassed and I'm shameful and and I'm guilt I feel guilty about like, I don't want anybody to know so they don't ask for help. And they won't ask for help and they suffer alone silently. And sometimes tragically. We're afraid to be weak and vulnerable. We're afraid to let anyone know the truth about our situation. Like they won't like us they'll reject us. They won't care. They won't help. They'll abandon us. That they'll tell me Well you chose this. You chose this. What were you thinking gosh? You should have known. In all of that will just pile on nourishing and more guilt. So it's just better to hold it in. Don't let them see don't let it show be the good girl. You always have to be right. So I don't have an answer for that. But there are these. Lines these threads that weave through society and through our families and through our motherhoods and through their childhoods. and We can. Brush them off and just go on or be like that's just how it is. This is this is our culture. This is just what it is and continue it or we can get real curious about things and start asking questions and be like, where did this come from? Let's unpack this, you know, this is piece by pieces unpacking The Human Experience why I'm all about packing like figuring out like where where's this come from? And and what are the what are the different parts of this? and sometimes we get to snip those threads. With our actions and our behaviors and our beliefs and our words and our thoughts and our love. In our children in the world that we're bringing them up in. So which one are you? You're the one that asks. Are you the one that hides? Are you the one that has said that you chose this? What do you want me to do? It's your mess clean it up. put your big girl panties on or how can I help? Man, this is hard. I support you through this. Gosh, I see that you tried really hard on that. Man, we made a mess today. Didn't we look at it? We had so much fun. Let's clean it up together. Let's clean it up together. We have a saying here me and Rosie do. That messes are okay, but we got to clean them up and we clean them up together, right? So which one are you and which one are you raising? because these things matter and it's all okay, right. It's all okay. It's all okay. Like there is no there's no messing this up. because We're all doing the best that we can right and when we know better. We can do better and be better and make different choices. You know it took me till my late 30s to really examine the stuff and to look into these things and to think about these things and maybe that's just how it goes because you know, our brain isn't fully developed until we're like 25 to 28, really. So maybe that's just how it goes or maybe it's just unpacking, you know, the the environment and the society and the programming that I grew up in which is probably pretty similar to yours. And this is where we can choose to put down the default parenting. That we were brought up in or around or that we learned from TV and movies and from culture and society and songs. This is where we can put that stuff down. And be like cutting those threads through our like not through my family. And making conscious choices around what feels right for you and for your children and your heart and your values? As you move through these early years of motherhood You can do this at any time, but there's so much brain development that happens before the age of seven that beyond that it gets harder to shift things. And I've seen it more than once that by the time that the the children the child are older, you know, they're preteens and they're in their teens like in the in the parent has woken up and the parent has gone through some personal development and the parent has shifted their mindset around a lot of this stuff. But because they did it after the child was you know, bigger and those mental felt like literal neural connections, like connections between their brain cells that these Pathways were set that now the child is like the rules are reversed almost and so just you know, if you can if it's available to you to to do this personal reflection while they're still young. it's just Taking advantage of the opportunity that's in front of you. And if you don't if that's not available to you, I totally get it, you know for Generations. It has been and we're all still more or less. Okay, right and it's really it becomes opportunities for for our kids and for us as adults to then like do this work that that we're doing now, right? Okay. So but if you are one that are like, you know what I'm gonna I am gonna do this now. I want to do this work now because It's in front of me right now, and I'm making this choice now. I want to urge you to fill out the application. The link is below and this is an application for a one-to-one DM conversation with me that there's a couple of questions on there around where you are in your motherhood what your experiencing and what you would ideally want so that in our little chatty chat that we can identify, you know, a couple of the things that are blocking you from having a guilt free and joyful motherhood. And childhood for your kids. I have lots of different programs from minimal time energy money investment to I'm going all in on this. Let's give me everything you got I've got Both ends of the spectrum and everything in between. So I know that there is something that will work for you and that will help you. So I look forward to hearing from you and getting to know you click the link below to fill out the application and we will talk soon in the DMs. I love you. I love you. Have a wonderful week and take care.