Ep028 // Meet Them Where They Are // It's Not Their Job to Meet You

Hello! and Welcome back to Season 2 of Peace by Pieces - Motherhood Edition

I have so many titles for this episode. 
 

• How to love the kid you have instead of who you wish they were...
• How to free your kid from the weight of your expectations....
• How to connect with the kid in front of you, not the one in your head....
• How to connect with your kid, where they are....
• How to avoid becoming a bear...
• How to reduce conflict in your child's childhood...
• Lessons in Motherhood from Disney's Brave... 
• Uncover, activate, and access your best and truest mom heart - even in chaos & tantrums & messes & even in front of your parents - and to shine so that your child's heart never believes it has to hide, to survive.

 
and more.... 
It was challenging to pick just one.

 Even now hahaha.  Just have a listen. 

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Transcript

0:00

Hello. Hello and welcome to this episode of Peace by pieces. Unpacking The Human Experience. I'm your host Ashley Hutt, and I'm so happy that you are here. If you've been listening for a while, you know that most mornings I sit down and write it's a practice called morning Pages, you know, where the the ideas that you you sit down, you know first thing if you can and when you're still in the in a brainwave state where you're more in touch with your subconscious mind, you know, you're not all the way awake yet. Right like you're it's like before your first cup of coffee type of like like almost dreamy type of state and you get to access these deeper parts of your mind and things just flow out and this message Flowed out of me today and I and I don't I don't really have a lead in for it. I don't know what triggered it. There was nothing, you know, sometimes I have like oh this happened with me and my daughter or hey, I saw this real and this made me think about this, you know, no this this doesn't this just came out of me. So we're just gonna go with it. It's it's that this That it's not our kids job. It's not their job. It's not their job to see us and hear us and validate us and emotionally support us, especially when they're small. But still still even if they're preteens still even if they're teenagers and really even if they're like anything less than than mid 20s, right? And yes, we all want to have that like beautiful future relationship with our kid like when when they're adults and and having that loving support, you know, yes. Yes. Yes we're talking about when they're small we're talking about when they're small when the kids are small it is not their job to validate us. It's not their job to make us feel appreciated. It's not their job to to understand where we are emotionally. We are the adults. We are the adults that either needs to come from in inside of ourselves. From ourselves first from our inner core Our Own unshakable Foundation beneath our feet and with the assistance and the support, you know that hopefully most of us have at least somebody a friend a partner a sister. parents neighbors, whatever That we can lean on. It's not not their job. It's not their job. It's our job to see and hear them to validate them to emotionally support them. We are the adult and they are these small humans. That are growing and developing. In response to the environment that they are surrounded by. And we are the captain. That are guiding them the compassionate captain that are guiding them and influencing them mama you are their greatest influencer in their life. Now as I pondered this this morning in my journaling as this just like came to me organically how things do sometimes what it connected to immediately was the movie Brave. It's the Disney movie with the with the princess with the wild red curly hair. If you haven't seen it. This may not make any sense. But there's the scene in Brave where Merida who's the princess and I would say she's probably 16. because they're trying to marry her off and that seems to be like the age of Disney movies where they think that The girl gets married off but you know teenage Merida and her mom are fighting. In the mom has raised her, you know to be the perfect princess, you know with the etiquette and the you know, perfect handwriting and the posture and the you know, blah blah. all that, right So they're fighting. They're arguing in the mom. So severely wants Meredith to see that that she's wrong. The Merit is wrong that she's done wrong. Like see the wrong in what she has done and married a disagrees. They are in different realities here. And the mom so desperately once married to like just to see to see the the wrong that she did. Emira doesn't so then her mom shifts into Force. She shifts into telling Merida like this is what you're gonna do. This is what you're gonna do you're gonna say this you're gonna do the like you are. This is a mess that you made which is my past episode. This is a mess that you made and you're gonna clean it up and this is what you're gonna do, but but Meredith still isn't listening. But neither is the queen. She's not listening to what her daughter is saying. And then the queen because that didn't work, you know, the the reason didn't work the the force the telling you the controlling didn't work the queen then shifts into punishment mode. A consequence as some would call it but a big extravagant final blow to be heard the queen wants so bad to be heard by her daughter. That she shifts into punishment. To push Merida into compliance. That's her goal anyway, and she grabs her daughter's beloved bow, like bow and arrow bow and throws it into the fire. And does that bring Merida into compliance? Does it ever? No, it didn't bring mirror didn't compliance. Even if it had it wouldn't have been. true authentic compliance now was the queen seeking correction? or connection Right, was she seeking to like meet in the middle and understand where Merida was coming from or was she seeking to enforce her will upon her daughter? correction And how did that work out? If you're nursing the movie, you don't know what happens next but Merida the child, she's a teenager, but they're still chat like kind of them not joking. When I tell you that our brains as human beings all of us are not developed fully our logical our prefrontal cortex, like our brains are not fully developed until we are 25 to 28 years old. So believe me when a teenager is still a child. Meredith the child feels super unseen unheard unvalued invisible just a pawn in her mother's game. She's betrayed because her bow is like that's her thing. That's her passion. right, so her mom is just Very much betrayed her she's disconnected. She disconnects herself and she runs away and she's led to a witch that makes a spell that she gives to her. Mom that changes her mom into a bear. And then there's the whole middle part of the movie. Right, they learned some stuff. They let go they they go through some conflict. There's some fires. There's some chases there's axes. There's drunken loud men, you know the normal time. And in the end we're towards the end the Mom finally like through this process the Mom finally sees her daughter. For who she is. And not who she wants her to be. She finally gets to know Merida. instead of just knowing this Vision that she has of her and her mind that the real person just doesn't match up to she gets to see in value these skills and abilities that Merida has that fall outside of the perfect princess. image and and Merida learns to and I sat and pondered on this of like what what does Mera to learn during that time? What she really learns is is just how to reconnect back with her mom and that she she does actually want a happy healthy relationship with her mom, but she also wants to be loved for who she is and seen for who she is and supported for what who she is and heard. For what she wants with her own life. Meredith ends up fighting to help her mom because she finally feels seen and heard and understood and loved. No friends. mamas was this Meredith's fault? Because she loved to be free. Because she loved to shoot her bow and write her horse and climb waterfalls. Because she didn't want to get married. No, of course, not of course. It's not her fault. Right? Of course. This conflict isn't her fault because she's a child. in those things were inherent to her being they were it was her. Her uniqueness her passion her wants and desires for her own life. And you know did it all work out in the end? Of course? Yes, of course it all worked out. You know her her dad did not kill her mom and bear form and there was no huge tragedy and you know, they all like learned their lesson and lived happily ever after. Yes, of course it all worked out because it's a Disney movie. but could this all have been avoided? If the mom had been present. and calm and patient and curious about her daughter present with the daughter that she has and not the daughter that she wishes she had Could all of that have been avoided if the mother could regulate herself and see her daughter for who she is. Allowing her not only to speak but also hearing her hearing. What she had to say? Knowing her and adjusting her mothering in support of her daughter instead of forcing her child into a box of her own creation. Could that have all been avoided? Yep? Yeah, I think so. I think so could all that fighting and destruction and witches and spells and turning into a bear been avoided if the mom had softened and connected with her heart to her daughter's heart. To do and be an advocate for the needs of her daughter. Yep, I think so. Could all of that have been avoided if the mom was self-aware. Aware of her own emotions aware of her own expectations of her daughter aware of her own traumas and triggers and reactions and conditioning and programming around what a young lady should be. So that she could look at them with clarity. So that she was able to to put her reaction on a shelf and be the loving patient kind. Joyful presence for her daughter. Yeah. If the queen had been able to do this when Meredith was younger. Instead of instilling that a princess needs to be perfect. Would Meredith have had years of happy? Joyful childhood? Being seen and heard and supported and nourished for her harness. Instead of feeling like all of her most uniquely her parts were being cut off so that she could fit into that box. Now that may not make for an exciting movie. But mama, you know, you're your life your motherhood and your child's childhood is not a movie. It's not a movie. It's not a movie there doesn't have to be any big conflicts. There doesn't have to be super highs. And super low lows. There doesn't have to be the roller coaster. It's a moment. You know it. It's gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay like the movie is all okay in the end. There's a saying that I heard a long time ago that I held dear for a long time. And I'm not sure nice. I think I still believe it is that it's all okay in the end and if it's not okay, then it's not the end. And I think that that gives us some hope so, you know, it's all gonna be okay, if you're listening right now and you're like, I don't know how to I don't know how to do this or maybe your kids are older and you're like shit. I already effed up right like what it or man, you know because I get it. You know. Should happens and things get resolved. That's it happens all the time every day. You know, we we have all you and me Mama we've lived through some stuff and we you know, we've I worked through some of it and have the opportunity to work through. more And you could you get to choose. And you get to choose based on your circumstances because I don't know. You get to choose. And you make the best choices for you. I don't know what's happening in your life. I don't know where you are right now. I don't know how many kids you have. I don't know if you're married. I don't know if you're working. I don't know if you have any any and all of the resources that that you need. You know that. And I'm empowering you. to choose and that may be like Look, I hear what you're saying Ashley and I'm doing my best and that's all I got right now. And and I just trust and have faith that I am doing my best and my best is good enough and then my kids are gonna be okay because they are they're gonna be okay. They're gonna be okay. and maybe you're like now I want to do this now Ashley. I want to do this now. How how do I do this? How do I how do I how do I do this? Because you can invest time and money in energy and resources into activating your best and truest mom heart. Now while they're little you can remove your learned barriers to your best and truest mom heart. Establishing new default tools to seamlessly restore and access your best and truest mom heart even in chaos. You can do that now. And reduce the amount reduce the colors and textures and quantity of shit that will happen that will need to be resolved in your kid's life. We can reduce it. We can't we can't take it all away guys. There is no perfect. There is it does not exist. There are always going to be things. And you can model for your children that that there is shit. it's there and you can resolve it and you can show them how you get to choose. If you do want to uncover and activate and access your best and truest mom heart even in chaos and Tantrums and messes and even in front of your parents or that judgy lady at the supermarket. If you do want to do that now while they're still little Apply for a free DM conversation with me to identify What's blocking you? From having a guilt-free. Joyful motherhood and childhood. Let's get to know each other a little bit. I have many program options to assist you in your motherhood returning to the Joy. in this journey from minimal time money energy investment to going all in there is something that will fit you something that will benefit you. I know it. I've designed it this way because I want to reach as many of you and help as many of you as little and as big as I can. So click the link below and apply for this DM conversation with me. And let's get to know each other a little bit. I love you, and I love your kids. In my hope is for your true heart to be uncovered and to shine. So that there's never believes that it has to hide to survive. I love you. Let's do this hit that apply button below. I can't wait to hear from you.